She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
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We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
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Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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