I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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