Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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