I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
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Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
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Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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