So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize