Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Too much gin, very little bucket
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
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We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
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New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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