just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
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Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
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Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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