Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Randomize