I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
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Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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