I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
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You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
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GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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