spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
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Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
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Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
A bitchslap is in order.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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