Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
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I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
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After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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