I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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