i just wanna soil my oats bro
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
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The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
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I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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