FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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