I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
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It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I think a kid would responsible me up
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If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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