oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
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Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
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Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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