You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
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Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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