u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize