I accidentally had phone sex last night
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
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watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
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We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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