I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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