No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
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Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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