Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
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you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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