thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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