I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
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My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
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This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
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