So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
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this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
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