apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
