Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize