is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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