How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
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Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
not ubering you a puppy
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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