I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
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Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
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I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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