He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Randomize