I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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