walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
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So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
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By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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