You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
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Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
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My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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