Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
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I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
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What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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