Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
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Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
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LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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