And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
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as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
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Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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