I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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