I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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