Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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