A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
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Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
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Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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