I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
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i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
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Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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