you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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