We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
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I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
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You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Sext me about skeletons
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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