I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
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Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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