He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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