if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I could make wine with my vomit
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
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My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
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Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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