we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
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The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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