I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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